The ache

I would have called my mom today, maybe even twice. I would have said it was to "update" her on everything going on, but let's be real, I would have whined to her. I would have told her that I was overwhelmed with taking care of the kids and trying to homeschool and taking care of John and that I was frustrated and confused that he is in so much pain and the ER said nothing was wrong and his PCM says they have no appointments and that they will call him but they didn't and he can barely walk but they keep saying it is "normal" and my house is a wreck, and my head hurts and I can't seem to pull it together long enough to get ahead because I either get hit with pain and exhaustion from the "Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension" (IIH for short) or a wave of grief...(Yes, I realize that was one big run-on sentence).

Mom would have been ready with scripture. She would have asked me what I was taking in (i.e. music, movies, reading) and she would have asked what my prayer life was like. She would have said things like, "Be glad John gets paid even though he can't work," "have you prayed for him," "You need to give it to God and trust Him, Alesha. Do you trust God Alesha?" I would have most likely heard it as a lecture at first, like I always did, but here is the crazy thing...my mom would say things that contradicted what I learned in church and believed to be true, BUT after these "lectures" I would look these things up and pray about them. She pushed me in that way. She pushed me to have Biblical evidence to back up my point of view. Most of the time she welcomed my differing view if I had sound Biblical evidence to back it up. I needed that today. I need her voice in my ear today. I need someone to call and spill my guts to and know that they genuinely aren't bother or inconvenienced by it. (Of course I can talk to my husband but I like to talk and by the time my mom heard things John has heard them 3 or 4 times). I miss the freedom in having a person like that in my life.

Gabby and I have talked about what our mom would think about all this. I don't know. No one close to me ever died while she was alive. She lost a few people that were significant to her but I was either too young to know how she dealt with it or I was living in Oklahoma. I remember when I was 15 on the way to the homeless shelter for the first time I started to cry and she said, "If I can't cry neither can you" and that was it. I tried really hard not to get emotional around her during that time and while living with her. Now, when I start to cry that moment in time is how I hear her voice and I stop. I also think about the conversations we would have about when a loved one dies, but they are saved. She always said there should be so much more grief when someone dies and they aren't saved. I'm not saying I disagree, because I don't. I know she is in Heaven and that is a reassurance that money cannot buy. That doesn't make it hurt less.

Believe me, no one wants this ache to go away more than I do. No one wants this need for friends and people to be around to talk to go away more than I do. I want to feel "normal" again. I want my body and my brain to realize that Mom is gone and she isn't coming back and I can't call her and to quit waking me up at night and to quit grabbing my phone like she can answer hers. I want to be able to pray more than "this is too much." I want the moments of "not being okay" to stop. I want this season in my life to be over. I know people think I should be over it, I know people want me to snap out of it and quit talking about it and to quit being okay one day and not the next, I get it. I want all of that to stop too. I asked the Lord to make it stop. I told Him this is all too much. I asked Him to take it all. But the lesson I am learning in all this is that growing is painful. Guys, I am hurting. This is painful. I want to talk and I want to start moving on from this and I can think of so many people who have said they are there for me. Here's the thing- I don't like to feel like I am bothering people (especially those I haven't known for that long and those that have their own stuff going on) and I don't know where to start. I guess that is why I am typing all this out. It is easier to put on here. 

Here's where I am at and I do want to talk.

I have never in my life experienced pain like this. I would rather have physical pain than this. The dumbest things make it feel like she just died all over again. For example, my kids' first day of school, Carson's 3rd birthday, Ainsley's school smarts, Toby's ability to memorize scripture faster than most adults I know, Colorado sunsets, fall, a Michigan team beating Oklahoma State, just stupid stuff like that. I think, "Mom would love that," or "Mom would think that was funny" and at first I can say it and then the ache comes. But I keep it to myself because, it has been a month and half.