I'm not even sure where to start with this, other than to say that I definitely went to Women of Faith expecting God to move in my life but I had no idea that it would be this all consuming. I wish I could have taken notes but I feel like that would have been distracting. I was so focused on what everyone was saying that I couldn't even imagine looking away.
Ugh. All I want to do and need to do is pour out my heart and somehow express that overwhelming feeling I have had since Saturday morning.
I guess I should start with the times that I felt like I got slapped in the face. I can't think of who was speaking but they were talking about masks, having a front you put on in public or even with friends and family. For me that mask is ministry. I am going to be really honest right now and say that I have hidden in children's ministry for the past 2 years hoping that all of the issues I had would work themselves out. I am sure there are people that could see in my eyes that I was hiding behind that. I can't do that anymore. PLEASE do not take this out of context. I absolutely adore every child that I encounter in children's ministry and that is why it kills me to say that it might be time to move on, or at least not be as active as I currently am. I hid in kid's church to cover up the fact that I am completely terrified (which brings up the point that I am a lot like Angie Smith when it comes to fear, but I will address that later) of pursuing the calling I feel like I have on my life. I don't want to be wrong and for whatever reason I don't feel like I am good enough. To the point that there are very few people who know what my true calling is. I find myself asking God if he is sure that's where he wants me to be. Yea. I question God. After typing that I feel like I need to get over myself. And I do. He is the creator of the universe. Who am I to question him??
Angie Smith's courage to admit to her fear is so inspiring to me. After my parents got divorced I would go into my mom's room at night to make sure she was still there because for some really weird reason I thought Jesus would come back and take my whole family and leave me to suffer. At 8 I was fearful that God didn't love me enough to take me in the rapture. At 8. Then it just got worse. I checked (and still do) doors at least twice to make sure they are locked. I even now go so far as to check my kid's windows to make sure they are locked. It's bad. If I do not stay in the Word and pray like I know I should I feel fear trying to consume me. I mean literally FEEL it. I have never had a panic attack but I imagine that's what it feels like. It consumes me in a very bad way. I have been working on it and I try very hard to not be obsessive about it. I only check on Toby and Ainsley once a night instead of 3 or 4 times like I used to. (yes, it was that bad) In my head if I did not check on them several times a night that would be the night when I would lose them. No joke, I really thought that. I don't know why but I kind of feel like that fear is tied to the fact that I don't feel like I deserve anything good in my life. (Women of Faith did bring all this to the surface. I can't hide it anymore because I want it out of my life. Today. Not tomorrow.) I have no idea why I feel this way and I am not going to sit here and blame it on my parents because it is my responsibility to put my face in the Bible and deal with it, however it came about. I wish I could blame it on them. That would be much easier.
It's funny to me that since Women of Faith the Lord has put it on my heart to attempt to convey to a friend of mine that God loves us in the midst of our mess. No matter what that mess is. The only thing I can think is that he wants me to tell her so I can get it in my heart to. So to my friend, if you read this, I want and need you to know that when you told me it is in your head but you have to get it into your heart I completely understand what you are saying. Oh and I felt like a hypocrite telling you that when I need to absorb it too. I know how important it is and I want to believe it but for whatever reason I struggle with that. I think not being able to get that into my heart is why I struggle with loneliness and depression. I honestly do not like to get close to people because I have the fear that they will one day decide, for whatever reason, that they don't want to be friends anymore. Or I will unknowingly upset them and never get the chance to make amends. This has happened more times than I want to admit. I LOVE having close friends. I love knowing that I have someone to text if I am having a rough day or just feel like talking. I have a lot of people in my life right now but at times I don't want to bother anyone so I just keep it to myself. It's not that I have fallen for the lie that no one will understand it is just that I honestly don't want to burden people with my "problems" when they have their own. A lot of times they have their own friends too and I hate stepping on other people's toes. Since I am being honest I feel like I lately have kind of force myself on people. If I have done that to you, I promise I am working on that...
The biggest slap in the face was when Christine Caine was talking about our God being alive and no other religion can or would say that because they all know it isn't true. At the end of that she says, (with a boldness I will never forget) "Our God is the LIVING GOD. Jesus is ALIVE" Or something fairly similar and extremely passionate. I hear Christine Caine's awesome Australian voice and then I hear in my spirit (I guess that is how I can explain it..), " So stop living like I'm not.'' *slap* (not a literal slap) I can't even say anything else about that. It speaks for itself...
This conference prompted a conversation among myself and 2 other friends that I will never forget. Not necessarily because of what was said but because during that whole conversation all I could think was that it was so awesome how much we all absorbed from a 2 day women's conference and how I could see by looking at these people that something was stirred inside them just like it was in me. That stirring of the Holy Spirit has stayed with me. It carried over into church today and Velocity after. Kids speaking in tongues. AMAZING!! Not only was there healing in my life and people that also went to Women of Faith but I really feel like God is about to do something huge in Oklahoma City and beyond.
I will try to write something about my background soon, but it isn't that interesting believe me. If you made it through all that, thank you. I have so much more to say about Women of Faith but as you can tell it had an impact on every area of my life and I know no one has time for all that in one post. haha. This is brutally honest for me and I kind of want to delete it, but I won't. I am not trying to make anyone mad or make any of my friends feel like they aren't good enough or anything like that. So if any of this upsets you please talk to me!!
Ugh. All I want to do and need to do is pour out my heart and somehow express that overwhelming feeling I have had since Saturday morning.
I guess I should start with the times that I felt like I got slapped in the face. I can't think of who was speaking but they were talking about masks, having a front you put on in public or even with friends and family. For me that mask is ministry. I am going to be really honest right now and say that I have hidden in children's ministry for the past 2 years hoping that all of the issues I had would work themselves out. I am sure there are people that could see in my eyes that I was hiding behind that. I can't do that anymore. PLEASE do not take this out of context. I absolutely adore every child that I encounter in children's ministry and that is why it kills me to say that it might be time to move on, or at least not be as active as I currently am. I hid in kid's church to cover up the fact that I am completely terrified (which brings up the point that I am a lot like Angie Smith when it comes to fear, but I will address that later) of pursuing the calling I feel like I have on my life. I don't want to be wrong and for whatever reason I don't feel like I am good enough. To the point that there are very few people who know what my true calling is. I find myself asking God if he is sure that's where he wants me to be. Yea. I question God. After typing that I feel like I need to get over myself. And I do. He is the creator of the universe. Who am I to question him??
Angie Smith's courage to admit to her fear is so inspiring to me. After my parents got divorced I would go into my mom's room at night to make sure she was still there because for some really weird reason I thought Jesus would come back and take my whole family and leave me to suffer. At 8 I was fearful that God didn't love me enough to take me in the rapture. At 8. Then it just got worse. I checked (and still do) doors at least twice to make sure they are locked. I even now go so far as to check my kid's windows to make sure they are locked. It's bad. If I do not stay in the Word and pray like I know I should I feel fear trying to consume me. I mean literally FEEL it. I have never had a panic attack but I imagine that's what it feels like. It consumes me in a very bad way. I have been working on it and I try very hard to not be obsessive about it. I only check on Toby and Ainsley once a night instead of 3 or 4 times like I used to. (yes, it was that bad) In my head if I did not check on them several times a night that would be the night when I would lose them. No joke, I really thought that. I don't know why but I kind of feel like that fear is tied to the fact that I don't feel like I deserve anything good in my life. (Women of Faith did bring all this to the surface. I can't hide it anymore because I want it out of my life. Today. Not tomorrow.) I have no idea why I feel this way and I am not going to sit here and blame it on my parents because it is my responsibility to put my face in the Bible and deal with it, however it came about. I wish I could blame it on them. That would be much easier.
It's funny to me that since Women of Faith the Lord has put it on my heart to attempt to convey to a friend of mine that God loves us in the midst of our mess. No matter what that mess is. The only thing I can think is that he wants me to tell her so I can get it in my heart to. So to my friend, if you read this, I want and need you to know that when you told me it is in your head but you have to get it into your heart I completely understand what you are saying. Oh and I felt like a hypocrite telling you that when I need to absorb it too. I know how important it is and I want to believe it but for whatever reason I struggle with that. I think not being able to get that into my heart is why I struggle with loneliness and depression. I honestly do not like to get close to people because I have the fear that they will one day decide, for whatever reason, that they don't want to be friends anymore. Or I will unknowingly upset them and never get the chance to make amends. This has happened more times than I want to admit. I LOVE having close friends. I love knowing that I have someone to text if I am having a rough day or just feel like talking. I have a lot of people in my life right now but at times I don't want to bother anyone so I just keep it to myself. It's not that I have fallen for the lie that no one will understand it is just that I honestly don't want to burden people with my "problems" when they have their own. A lot of times they have their own friends too and I hate stepping on other people's toes. Since I am being honest I feel like I lately have kind of force myself on people. If I have done that to you, I promise I am working on that...
The biggest slap in the face was when Christine Caine was talking about our God being alive and no other religion can or would say that because they all know it isn't true. At the end of that she says, (with a boldness I will never forget) "Our God is the LIVING GOD. Jesus is ALIVE" Or something fairly similar and extremely passionate. I hear Christine Caine's awesome Australian voice and then I hear in my spirit (I guess that is how I can explain it..), " So stop living like I'm not.'' *slap* (not a literal slap) I can't even say anything else about that. It speaks for itself...
This conference prompted a conversation among myself and 2 other friends that I will never forget. Not necessarily because of what was said but because during that whole conversation all I could think was that it was so awesome how much we all absorbed from a 2 day women's conference and how I could see by looking at these people that something was stirred inside them just like it was in me. That stirring of the Holy Spirit has stayed with me. It carried over into church today and Velocity after. Kids speaking in tongues. AMAZING!! Not only was there healing in my life and people that also went to Women of Faith but I really feel like God is about to do something huge in Oklahoma City and beyond.
I will try to write something about my background soon, but it isn't that interesting believe me. If you made it through all that, thank you. I have so much more to say about Women of Faith but as you can tell it had an impact on every area of my life and I know no one has time for all that in one post. haha. This is brutally honest for me and I kind of want to delete it, but I won't. I am not trying to make anyone mad or make any of my friends feel like they aren't good enough or anything like that. So if any of this upsets you please talk to me!!
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